A LEVEL LIFE

An essay concerning human understanding

I didn’t know it was possible to be in such despair all the time, I don’t know if it’s a talent or? Maybe it’s just the next stage of growing up. At the minute, I just don’t know what to do with myself, I’m having a complete crisis, and I just feel like I have this weight on my chest that just gets worse every time I think about it.

You may or may not know that recently I had decided I want to become a doctor. Obviously a massive career change, and a slight issue because of the subjects I am currently taking. I could switch to Biology now which gives me a better chance of getting onto a foundation course, but the dilemma I have is that I’m enjoying all the subjects I am taking at the minute. I worry that if I don’t change, I will regret it later on and I won’t even have the chance, but if I do change, I will change my mind later on and be stuck with a subject I don’t really want to do. It’s also so much effort and most of me wants to just go full steam ahead, but a tiny part of me is still questioning if this is what I really want to do.

I think in my head, the thing that draws me to medicine is the guaranteed career, a lot of work now, that means you’re sorted in the long run. And I feel, if I can’t help myself, I might as well help others. But in truth, I just don’t think I want it enough, and I worry this determination now is superficial. I worry the closer I get to making decisions that I still don’t really know what I want to do. I like history, but I feel like it is the easy way out, and I don’t know who I come out as the other side. I don’t feel like I have any idea who I am anymore, I don’t really like talking to people, apart from my friends of course, and I feel the outside of me just talks as if I’m completely normal. I like the silence of my own company, and I like sleeping (a new found train hobby). I feel like all those times when they tell you that you don’t need to know what you want to do yet, you do kind of need to know now and I still have no idea.

I wish that I was doing functional skills and I had absolutely no expectations. Or I wish you could have as many attempts of these next three years as you liked until you get it right, then I don’t think I would worry so much.

-Lilla

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