What even is happiness and certainty anymore?

I currently feel like I’ve fallen into a deep pit of despair and I cannot simply get out. I just don’t want to be doing A levels any longer (not that I’ve been wanting to do them). It’s just so tiring, and I know that I go on about it in every blog post so you’re probably tired of hearing about it by now so I am sorry.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore. I just so desperately wish to do medicine so I can become a surgeon but I don’t really think I’m good enough anymore and speaking to others who also want to go into medicine. Also last year at SIN, 16 people applied for medicine but only 4 actually got in which is something that just really boosts my confidence about it all. I’m worried that if I don’t get in I’m going to have no back up plan. I don’t even like anything enough to want a job in it, and I know that I have my bakery plan but it’s sadly not something that I can immediately do. I just want a job like working in a reception because Millie at SIN seems like she has a great time everyday just sorting things out. However, if I don’t stay confident about medicine then why on earth would they even want to accept me, no one wants a partially unconfident kid:))))

I also really want to do a med school but there are only like 30 places so the probability of me getting a place is very slim but I just feel like it will help so much. But even then I will meet kids that will be really confident and I’ll just feel worse about myself. To apply for this med school thing I’ve had to ask my teachers for my predicted grades which is really worrying because I don’t want to know of the expectations they have of me, just in case they are a wee bit too unachievable.

Philosophy lately has been really interesting and mind boggling, like we’ve been learning about how people believe we see the world and if there is even a world out there. It just seems strange to think about how everything could just not be real, that only my living conscious mind is real and I’m actually typing this for no one but me to read because the only thing I am certain of is myself, or my conscience to be exact. It’s just crazy to think that my mind may have made up very single little detail about life, every book I read could have been written by my mind or every conversation I have may just be me speaking to myself. absolutely. crazy.

On a slightly positive note, I am almost up to date on my homework which is nice.

peace out – Jasmine


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